The Power of the "Simple No": Navigating Boundaries with Adult Children
It’s a scenario many parents of "adult teenagers" know all too well. Outside, the snow is falling steadily, with no signs of letting up. Inside, a different kind of storm is brewing.
My daughter, who still lives at home under my care, decided she wanted to drive to her boyfriend’s house. The roads were dangerous, and while the car is hers in name, I am the primary on the vehicle and the one providing her support. In the past, this would have turned into an exhausting, hours-long battle. I would over-explain the "ins and outs," the risks, and the logic, hoping she would finally understand my perspective. Instead, she would feel disrespected, arguing that I wasn’t allowing her to make her own choices.
But this time, I tried something different. Under the guidance of Amy Grieco with Khamrada’s Hope, I realized I had been over-complicating my parenting for years.
Trading Explanations for Boundaries
When I confronted her, I kept it simple: She was not to go. When she insisted she was leaving anyway, I remained calm and firm. I informed her she would not be taking that car, and if she found another way to leave, there would be additional consequences. She continued to argue, but I didn't take the bait. I didn't let my emotions into the driver’s seat.
I stood on a simple truth: She lives in my home with my support. Therefore, she lives under my rules. Because she needed me to co-sign for that vehicle, it is legally my responsibility. I have the right to maintain the rules of my household without offering a debate-ready list of reasons.
The Puppy Analogy
Amy taught me a concept that changed my entire outlook: It is not fair to ask a puppy to "come" when he doesn't understand the word. Similarly, it isn't fair to expect a child—even an adult one—to understand the complexities of parental instincts and the drive to protect. They don't have a parental perspective yet. When we project our emotions into our children and expect them to "get it," we set ourselves up for disappointment and heartache.
By removing my emotional expectation for her to agree with me, the "explosion" never happened. There was no fight. My daughter is safe in her room. She might not be speaking to me for a while, and that’s okay. I’ve learned that her being safe and mad is infinitely better than her being "understood" and in danger.
-KH Parenting Power Parent Testimony
Key Takeaways
"No" is a Complete Sentence: Over-explaining often provides the other person with a list of points to argue against. Keeping it simple prevents a dialogue from devolving into a negotiation.
Detach from the Outcome: You cannot control your child’s reaction (anger, silence, frustration), but you can control your boundary. Their "mad" is not a sign that you failed; it’s a sign that the boundary is working.
The Perspective Gap: Children (even young adults) lack the life experience and parental "wiring" to see risk the way you do. Stop expecting them to agree with your logic; focus on keeping them safe.
Ownership and Responsibility: If you provide the housing, the financial support, or the legal backing for a vehicle, you have a stewardship responsibility. You have the right to set the terms for the assets you provide.
Meet Them Where They Are: Real wisdom is meeting people at their current level of maturity rather than where you wish they were.
Are you ready to reclaim your parenting power? If you are interested in learning more about drawing healthy boundaries and gaining one-on-one support, consider the Khamrada’s Hope Parenting Power Program. Visit www.khamradashcs.com to learn more!
